


Of Lion and The Goddess

by suzurann



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Depression, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Minor Character Death, Panic Attacks, Possessive Behavior, Post-Time Skip, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, i hate rhea
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2020-12-22 17:20:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21080243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suzurann/pseuds/suzurann
Summary: This time, Dimitri found her. She had screamed with all she could, screamed until her body gave out. He never saw someone looked so broken. Not even himself.Or,Instead of sleeping, Byleth was trapped in a void of nothingness for the past five years. Dimitri, burdened by his own demons, was there to help her live.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1). Please read the tags carefully as it deals with topics that may trigger you. Call for help if you ever think you might endanger yourself. It's okay and it's not embarrassing. Please seek help. 
> 
> 2). This fic portrays an unhealthy relationship between Dimitri and Byleth. I try my best to never glorify or romanticise it. There are no violence or intentional abusive behaviour. Even so, please tread carefully. 
> 
> 3). I do not suffer PTSD, nor do I know anyone personally that does. I only have research and years of depression to back me up. Please let me know if I have, in any way, poorly portrayed the condition. 
> 
> With that, please enjoy!

Time was lost to Byleth. The concept long forgotten and she couldn’t remember if it truly ever existed. No more hours, not days, not months, not years. Not a moment had she considered how long had it been, how much time had passed. Not anymore. 

She existed in a limbo of nothingness. Only her own voice greeted her. Her voice was the only solace she truly existed, that she wasn’t a soul lost in purgatory. She remembered. The memories of the time past this. Where time moved, passing and moving. Where she wasn’t alone. But it was so long ago, and long ago could not begin to describe the time that had come to still. 

But Byleth listens to her own voice. She thought it was still her in there.

\--

Her own scream jolts her awake. Sometimes, she will dream of a time forgotten. When she dreams, she feels her memories slip away with it. It says goodbye to her one last time before it’s truly gone. And for the little humanity she has left, she refuses. What will she be left with just a shell with no memories? She will scream and scream until she has herself awaken, listen to her scream and know that she still exists. It is her voice. It is her. 

This time she does not wake up. She is still there, and she cannot recall ever seeing the place. Has the dream successfully ripped away her memory? It’s a place of ruin, dead soldiers lay a trail throughout the walkway and she’s at the end of it. It is not a pretty sight, but Byleth scrambles to tightly grasp on that memory, no matter how ugly. 

And she screams louder, screams until her throat gives away. 

She thinks she hears someone running. She dare not see, only screams with much more fervour like a crazed man. She crumples to the ground and her scream starts to mix with anguished sobs. Maybe if she does not hear or see anything, the dream won’t be cruel enough to take more from her. 

Time seems to stop when she feels something—_ someone _ —clutching her. Ironic, considering her time hasn’t been moving at all. But people of the dream never approached her. They will come and go and _ leave _ . Never acknowledged, never touched, certainly never squeezed her so tight like this. She thinks she hears her name chanted. Soothing and yet so, _ so _ desperate. It lulls her to a false sense of security, makes her think everything is going to be alright. Even though she knows she will never be alright, that even death could not relieve her of this misery. She has felt so lonely, yet someone is there. 

She thinks she would be alright. And there is nothing. 

\-- 

He does not have any particular reason why he came to the monastery. It seemed to call him, but even that he isn’t too sure. He is moving purely on instinct, chasing the Imperial dogs off his trail. Perhaps, in his deepest wretched mind, he remembered it was a place where he was once happy. And he wanted to crush it. 

He can barely remember how many days had passed since he found shelter in the monastery. Maybe weeks, or even months. He thinks he heard them called him the One Eyed Demon, before their lives were all lost to him. Fitting, but he does not dwell. He has enough company with the ghosts hounding him, never letting him rest even for a moment. 

It was one night when he went out to hunt, a sound he would never forget. The scream sounded so haunted, like it was clawing itself out from its darkest fear. It painfully reminded him of himself, made even his fear seems to pale in comparison. Before he realized it, he was already running. Heard the scream grow increasingly louder, increasingly maddening. Heard the sobs that came through with it, and his heart squeezed. He never heard a sound so terrified. Of what? _ Who was it? _

And he did not expect, not even in his darkest nightmare, the sight that greeted him. It was his professor, or what he thought was left of her. She was crouched in the mess of dead bodies he had left. Eyes shut tight, nails clawing at her own arms and he saw it bled. She was still screaming. Her cheeks were soaked with tears, and she looked so _ so _ helpless. So many questions rang through his mind. _ How was she here? What’s she terrified of? What happened? _

His instinct moved before he could fully grasp the situation. His mind told him to stop, that maybe this was a trap. Cause _ that _ wasn’t his professor. His professor was stoic and proud, beautiful and mesmerizing. She was a goddess, almost in the most literal sense. She was not _ that _. But it was his professor, and he was weak. He almost thought it was okay to give up, if he was able to touch his professor one last time. The thought sickened him, but he held on. He embraced the woman to his chest, chanting her name like she might wither away otherwise. Or perhaps it was him. 

If she was one of the ghosts, his mind did not ponder on the idea.

\-- 

She thought she was awake, but it isn’t darkness that greets her. She’s in the same place of her last dream, minus the dead bodies. There is a man sitting across her. He looks tired. His long blond hair matted and unkempt, dried blood all over his worn down armour. Then she sees his eye. It was hollow and unmoving. It looks almost cruel, he stares her down like he would a monster. There is anger, and most of all fear. Fear of her, and fear of what he would do to her. 

But she remembers that blue eye, a pair that used to gaze her with so much warmth. And then she remembers this is not real. It’s another dream. She had never dreamt of him, and now it’s trying to take her most precious. _ Dimitri. _

Panic hits her like a horse. Her body shakes, the telltale sign of her madness coming. She hears him move, but it doesn’t matter. She will wake herself up even if she has to break her arm. 

She thinks she hears him cry. 

\-- 

Everything feels blurry. She wakes up, realize she is still in dreamscape, and she will scream until her body gives away. And it repeats, again and again, and again, and more. He was there every time she awakes. Closer and closer, and now she is buried on his chest. 

She doesn’t remember this Dimitri. Long hair covering his face, an eyepatch over his right eye. Most of all, he looks older. So somber and sorrowful. She almost doesn’t recognize him, and she was scared. Had the dream taken so much she can no longer remember what she’s lost? But every time, she will remember the dream she had last. And it doesn’t make sense. She should not remember. She doesn’t remember this Dimitri, but she remembers this Dimitri that always embraces her when she’s awake. 

For once, she doesn’t scream. Panic doesn’t consume her, and she let herself think.

She realizes she’s at the monastery, but everything is different. It was left in shambles, rubble covering most of its part. Then there is Dimitri. He is Dimitri, but he isn’t the Dimitri she remembers. Neither is the monastery. She thought it was the dreams that left her with a gap in her memory. Usually, she’ll remember when the dream has taken something away. She’ll remember blurry pictures, of memories already lost. Yet this time, there is none. This is the first time she’s met Dimitri in her dream, if this is a dream at all. 

She thought the dream has finally taken everything, nothing she can do to wake herself up. Every time she awakes, she’s back to the same place. And it’s odd that she recognizes it’s the same place at all. She shouldn’t. The dream had never given her mercy. It always took, and took, and _ took _ . She shouldn’t remember. But she does. And maybe, _ maybe _ this is not a dream. Neither is it the darkness that always take her company. Then she looks to her side. There’s Dimitri, sleeping as he clutches her safe. Somehow, she’s not alone. 

She lets herself believe. Maybe, this is real. 

\--

When he woke up, it was not to the scream of his professor. Surprisingly, she was already awake. She had his hand in her hold, tracing the veins on the back of his hand mindlessly. She was humming something, her voice reverberates throughout the silent tower. It was oddly peaceful, unlike her anguished screams. He had cried for her, when he never did so for himself. It was torture watching his dear professor succumb to her fear. She looked so broken, like nothing can ever mend her. Her screams louder than the ghosts behind him. For once, he did not hear them. 

“Professor.” he felt her fingers stop. She did not answer. So he tried again. “Professor.”

He heard her exhale. She tightened her hold on his hand.

“Dimitri?” she called. But the word came out like a question, unsure and fearful. 

“Yes?” he answered in a whisper, like she might fall into pieces if he was any louder. 

It took a second, and she called his name again. This time, it was more resolute. “Dimitri.”

“Yes.” he answered again, less apprehensive that she’d wither away.

“Dimitri.” again.

“Yes.” 

“Dimitri.” and again.

“Yes.”

“Dimitri.” and again.

“Yes.”

“Dimitri.” and again.

“Yes.”

Until she fell asleep.

\--

He didn’t ask her what happened. Where she came from. _ Where did she go _. Frankly, he was scared. It was not a feeling he welcomed. Yet, he wasn’t ready to confront it. His cowardice had refrained him to pry the truth. He wasn’t ready to see his professor once again hysterical in his arms with terror unknown. Some nights, she would jolt awake and scream. Some days, she would look at him and hurt herself. But never like before, where nothing he did could ever appease her and he would wait until she tires herself out, helpless. Now, she would listen to his murmurs, soothe her and assure her he was real. And he would not go away, not when she yelled him to, not when she begged him to. Sometimes, he thought she really believed his words. Most of the time, she believed so she could wash the pain away.

He had not heard the dead ever since.

\--

For the first time since he’d seen her again, Byleth smiled. She had cried with all the happiness radiating off her entire body. The other Blue Lions had found them, embraced her, cried with her. She hugged each and every single one of them, took her time to feel their heartbeats and felt none of it slip away. Anette had wailed the loudest. Ingrid had tried to contain her joy, but she broke down when she saw the tears gushing off her professor’s eyes. Even Felix had soothed Byleth gently when she turned to hug him. No one voiced the oddity of their professor’s behaviour. If Dimitri ignores the terror behind her immense relief, he thought that for once everything was going to be alright. 

He didn’t realize how much he had missed her smile, and it bothered him how far he thought he would go to see that smile always. It bothered him even more when the ghosts did not voice their protest. 

They headed back to the monastery, regrouping with the survivors against the Empire. Wary eyes flitted over to Dimitri. They had heard what he had done in the past years, what he had become. The only words coming out of his mouth were the confirmation of Dedue’s death, still bitter in his own tongue. Dimitri had felt nothing but rage after his death, not grieve nor sorrow. He was given no time to mourn with the dogs chasing him for his life. Survival was the one thing in his mind, as he swore he would severe _ her _ head with his own bare hands. Even death could not relieve him of this fire, cause death would be too merciful for a beast like him.

And yet, he did not reject his professor’s hand. She was beside him instead of the students that brought a smile on her face. In the short time they had spent together, not once had she smiled. But there was Byleth, catching up to him to walk by his side with his hand in her hold. There was no pity in her eyes, of what he had become or what he could have been. There was no expectation, no hope or belief that she could fix him. He realized, she was not there to comfort him. She wasn’t there for him at all. She was only there for herself, holding onto his hand like she’s trying to hold onto her reality. Like Dimitri was her pillar, and she could not stand without it. So he grasped her hand tighter in return. 

Dimitri had always liked being relied on. But not anymore, not after he himself did not dare to rely on himself. Somehow, his professor was fine. 

Somehow, his professor silenced the deads. 

\--

When Ashe asked her where she had been for the past five years, her throat seized up. Frankly, she had no idea that five years had passed. Her mind flitted back to the darkness that used to be her sole company. In there, she had laid to waste, wondering if time had passed. In all truth, it did not feel like five years. Perhaps, it was. Perhaps, it was just a day. Or maybe, several hundred years. The moment she fell to that chasm, time might as well have stopped. Her body did not decay, it need not any sort of sustenance. She had tried strangling her own neck, cut her veins with the very sword resting on her hips. None of it worked, and she would wake up in the same void like nothing ever happened. No scar, no sign of anything. Her memory of the agonizing pain was the only trace it was real. Sometimes, she would hurt herself to remind her of the only thing she can feel. She never grew numb to it. 

Byleth did not have the heart to tell her student all of that. 

“I have been sleeping, I think.” she answered instead. 

“Sleeping? You can’t mean you’ve been sleeping for five long years.” Sylvain chirped in. 

Byleth turned her gaze to Sylvain. _ Yes, there’s no way anyone can sleep for that long _, as she in fact did not. “I was. Or, I think I did. Honestly, I’m not too sure,” she paused. “I did not know five years have passed.”

Behind her, she felt Dimitri’s stare boring a hole through her head. She knew he did not believe her lie one bit. Not with how he’d seen her. He remained silent.

“For real?” this time Anettte said. “Well, it would only be our professor to attempt something so bizarre.” 

“Now we have to check if your skill has rusted at all. Spar with me.” Felix challenged, ready to charge to the training ground. 

“Stop now, Felix! How can you challenge our professor to a spar when she’s just arrived?” said Ingrid, punching Felix on the arm rather hard. She seemed quite angry at his brashness. 

“Well, we can’t have her dying in the battlefield instead, can’t we?” Felix gruffly defended. He did not think his request was all that odd. After all, it would be stranger if nothing had changed to his professor after slumbering for that long. 

“You—!” 

“It’s fine, Ingrid.” Byleth interjected, a small smile gracing her face. She was happy that her students cared so much for her, in their own way. “I would happily accept your offer, Felix. I am curious myself.” 

“I’ll be here if either of them get hurt. Don’t worry, Ingrid.” said Mercedes, trying to placate Ingrid’s concern. 

“Fine,” Ingrid relented indignantly. “Just, don’t push yourself too hard, Professor.”

“I won’t.” Byleth assured. 

For some reason, that small happiness Byleth had before turned sour. She could not explain why. As they arrived at the training ground, the feeling had not disappeared. She looked around, observing that the area had not changed much despite the other part of the monastery looking more wrecked. _ Everything looks familiar _, she thought. The unease in her heart only grew tenfolds. 

Felix handed her a training sword. She took the Sword of Creator off her belt and prepared herself. It had been a while since she’s fought, but her body remembered. Her stance ready, her grip tight on the handle. From the corner of her eyes, she noticed Dimitri watching from behind one of the pillars. She tried to concentrate on the opponent in front of her instead. 

“Ready?” asked Felix, his own stance ready with the same training sword in his grip. 

Byleth nodded. Before she could think about it, Felix charged forward. She quickly defended against the incoming attack. 

The fight did not go very long. The five years she spent had in fact taken its damage on her body, and the past few days she spent without proper sleep and nourishment did not help. Her body could not keep up. She was easily pushed forward by Felix’s might. 

“Looks like I notched another win against you.” Felix said good naturedly. He referred to that time he finally managed a victory against her, albeit narrowly. 

“You crushed me.” Byleth said. She remembered she said the exact same thing back then. Only this time, it was honest. 

“Oh, please. I scraped by.” Felix teased, knowing he in fact did crushed her. He also answered with the exact same words he said last time. 

Byleth remembered. She remembered sparring with Felix like she did now, remembered the conversation they had after, remembered that after this he would talk about his brother. She remembered. This had happened. Felix and Ingrid’s constant argument. She remembered. Ingrid’s incessant worry. She remembered. The training ground, her students, the feeling of sword in her hand, the taste of defeat. She remembered them all so vividly like she was walking through her memories. _ Like the dreams. _Byleth lost her breath. Her mind started spinning. Everything came to a blur. She fooled herself thinking she had escaped. 

This time, the dreams will consume her for good. 

With no warning, Byleth fell onto her knee. She shut her eyes tightly, covered her ears with the palm of her hands. She did not let herself see, hear, or feel. She hoped to feel numb, see the darkness that she was so familiar with. Her fingers started to claw at her head like everything would go wrong if she stops even for a moment. It wasn’t enough. Everything was wrong. She made a mistake. She had really done it. There’s no fixing it. Everything was wrong. She couldn’t take it. She’s drowning. Everything was wrong. Please. Everything was wrong. Help—

“Mercedes!” she heard Dimitri’s voice rang. “make her sleep.”

There wasn’t any response to his command. Everybody were too stunned to react. 

“Mercedes, now!” Dimitri yelled, he sounded angry. 

This time, Mercedes heard him. Without question, she quickly moved closer to Byleth and casted a spell that made her sleep. Instantly, Byleth laid unconscious in Dimitri’s hands. Her face serene, like everything that happened was just a figment of everyone’s imagination. But it was not. Not with the stain of blood covering her nails. Not with how much it affected everyone present. They had seen their professor, their strong beautiful professor, fell into such a state of helplessness. No one dared to break the tense air. 

Without a word, Dimitri stood up with Byleth in his arm. He carried her in his embrace and left the hall. Nobody stopped him. 

\--

When Byleth opened her eyes, she found Dimitri sitting beside her. He was polishing Areadbhar mindlessly. She noticed she was in her old room. 

“Dimitri.” she called him, wary he might not answer. 

Her voice immediately grabbed his attention. He stopped moving his hand and promptly focused on her. “Yes?” he answered.

His response calmed her a bit. Dimitri had never appeared in her dreams before. She believed this time as well he would not be a figment of her dream. He was real. 

“I had a dream.” Byleth said.

“What was the dream about?” he asked. Dimitri noticed her brows furrowed at his question. 

“I was with the other Blue Lions, but they looked different.” she started, confused with her own words. “Felix asked me to spar with him. I lost.” 

“It was not a dream.” Dimitri said carefully. He did not know what might trigger her, but something before definitely did. 

“It wasn’t?”

“It wasn’t.”

Byleth went quiet. She thought it had been a dream, with the spar, her conversation with Felix, the familiarity of it all. But that Felix was not the same Felix in her memory. This Felix looked older, as everyone were. As she had been told, five years had passed. During those five years, she had been missing. There was no way she could have remembered their grownup figure, when she had never seen them in the first place. There was no way her memory vanished, when it did not exist to begin with. She looked at Dimitri, at his face that had changed since she had seen him last. He was real. This was real. It was not a dream. 

She seemed to have murmured her last thoughts unknowingly, and Dimitri heard her.

“Why do you think it was a dream?” he asked, curious of the dreams that had been incessantly haunting her. 

“I often had dreams,” she started. Dimitri waited for her to continue. “I dreamt of past memories, all sorts of memories. Happy memories, painful memories, uneventful memories, everything. When I was in that void, it was all I could rely on.”

“However, I soon realized. Good things do not come without a price. Those memories come to me in farewell. It disguised itself as a dream. As the dream went, my memory went away with it. It vanished. I felt something missing, I know I did. But I can’t remember, cause it was gone. It’s gone forever. Even now, I have gaps in my memories I can never recall. I will never get them back. And what if I am left with nothing? How am I supposed to live knowing I had lost everything that made myself who I am?”

“But sometimes, I was weak. In that dark bleak place, I was alone. I had been there all alone, nowhere to run to, no one for company. I tried ending my life, but it did not work. I’ve tried everything, and I could not escape. It was so scary, Dimitri. So, so scary. And I was weak. The dreams were my only solace. I know I would lose them, but I gave in. I was so weak, that I was okay with losing pieces of myself. I would lose myself in those dreams, and hope I never wake up. But I always do. And everytime, I would lose those memories for good. Still, I would fall into their trap once more. I hate myself so much. I wish I can just disappear.”

Dimitri was quiet the whole time. He listened to her every word and felt his heart break each time. He could not begin to imagine her pain, did not know what to say. He watched his professor, the one touched by the goddess herself, the one he thought was untouchable, fell from her grace to the deepest pit of despair. The person in front of him was nothing but a feeble, pitiful girl. She was defeated, left broken and helpless. He did not know how to feel. 

“But Dimitri,” she continued. “You were the only one who never appeared in those dreams. You never came to visit me. I thought it was sad.”

Dimitri held his breath. “I—”

“You were the only one who has not left me,” Byleth cut in. “I’ve had at least few memories missing with everyone I know. But not you, Dimitri. You never came into my dreams. I never had to watch you go away. When I saw you before, I was devastated that you finally came to leave me. I thought the dreams would finally consume me.”

“I’m real. I’m here.” Dimitri quickly said. He rushed to hold Byleth’s hand in his palm, let her know that he was not a dream. He was very much real. 

“I know,” she said. For the first time, she smiled in his presence. Her smile was small, tentative, like if she were to revel in her joy, everything would crumble. “I know now, because of you. Thank you, Dimitri.”

That night, they fell asleep with each other’s body keeping both warm. 

They did not dream. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a very self-indulgent fic inspired by several other Dimileth fics I've read. <strike>When I know how to link, I'll edit this note and link the fics down here.</strike> These are the fics!  
[Prince in Beast's Clothing by Kukuriko](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20716832/chapters/49214930)  
[Invisible Bars by Kereea](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20655224/chapters/49051031)
> 
> I initially only wanted a protective, caring, post-time skip Dimitri and I can't figure out for the life of me, with the current setting, how to make such thing possible. So here's brilliant solution: make Byleth more fucked up than Dimitri. A cookie if any of you can guess the direction I'm taking with this story.
> 
> Also, ignore the tenses I use. I write with feelings, not brain. Sometimes, I feel like using past tense, sometimes present tense. No coherent thoughts behind it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW// abusive behaviour (non-violent)

For the past nights, the Faerghus Prince would walk together with the professor to her chamber instead of his own. And every morning, he would exit her chamber with the owner in tow. People looked, discreet as they may, at their complete and utter lack of care for this brazen display. The Dead Prince and the Lost Goddess Incarnate? Though obviously intrigued, no one voiced their thoughts—not even the pair in question. 

Though they have spent almost every seconds together, not many words were exchanged. Byleth needed him (_or do you?_), so Dimitri had been there for her. He held her hands as she traversed through this reality, where she was safe and he was there. Neither of them said anything when Dimitri followed her to her chamber and laid together with her on the bed. Dimitri did not take off his armour and gauntlets, only the leather glove protecting his hands. She did not mind. Every night, he would place his gloves on the bedside table. Byleth would wait and took his hand on her hold. They would sleep like this, side by side, hand in each other’s hold. Or rather, Byleth would. Dimitri would watch her. And he would wait until morning came, when those green eyes open and silence his thoughts. 

He loved those eyes. He could be lost in those orbs for hours if she allowed him to. Feeling nothing at all, hearing nothing at all, only a sea of green that overwhelmed him with a distinct sense of hollowness. It should scare him, but he revelled in it. For once, it was complete utter nothingness. Did she feel the same way, like that, every time? He was almost jealous.

For now, he waits. Until morning comes. 

\--

With the refurbishing of the monastery going well, the knights turned to discuss the matter at hand—The Empire. Dimitri, thirsty for blood and revenge, pushed his plan for their march to Enbarr. No one could dissuade him of his decision. Byleth chose to not attend the war councils, even when Gilbert begged her to. As he said, _ “your tactical prowess would be a huge asset to turn the war around” _. Though he quickly yielded when he saw his king glowering beside her. At him. Hence, to everyone’s dismay, they did not have their professor to talk sense to their kingliness. 

(Admittedly, Felix almost laughed at how much of a guard dog that boar was being.)

For that reason, Dimitri did not have much time to see Byleth. At that time, only the thoughts of war consumed his mind. With less time he spent in her company, the louder the voices became. He almost forgot them, and _ oh _ how much they _ loved _ to remind him of their curses, of their rage and their thirst. How could he think, fleeting as it may be, that he would ever find peace. Not this lifetime. He wondered if her presence made him weak, made him forget his promises and retribution. She had swallowed him, made him think it might be fine to let go. But it wasn’t. No matter if he forgets, the dead do not. 

And to forget her gentle touches. Her quivering breath. The glow in her eyes. Everything that made him feel less than a beast, of a monster that only _ consume, consume _ and _ consume _. For once, he gave. But the dead did not care. And what the dead want, he must oblige. 

Dimitri thought it was good. Until it wasn’t. 

One of those sleepless nights, Dimitri wandered. The monastery was vast, yet his feet led him to one place. Even unconsciously, his heart yearned. Try as he might, he was boneless to the thought of her, to the presence that soothed him so. 

_ But what of us? What of our vengeance? Would you abandon us too? _

Of course, his answer was _ no _ . He was but a slave to the voices in his head. Their vices tight, beckoning him to run and _ run _ for that wretched woman’s head. And he knew, if anything, that he was only alive for that very purpose. He was a vessel for all their regrets, _ remember why we spared you _. 

So he retreated. His steps faltered, but he steeled himself. That was, before he heard the bloody scream from her room. 

All discord within his mind vanished. He could not feel his feet as he ran to her room, frantic with every step. The scream reminded him of that time he found her. The sight of his professor so helpless, laid almost dead with the terror in her head—he did not think he could bare seeing it a second time. With dread and unease, he blasted open the door of her room. Unconsciously, he closed his eyes. 

Quietly, he closed the door. Dimitri took a step forward. He had paused for a moment, watched her crouched in the corner. She had her eyes shut tight and ears covered. He should be used to this sight, but he wasn’t. He did not think he could ever be. His professor—his _ beloved _ professor. Fell from the heavens to the deepest depth of wretchedness. Never had he thought he would be the beacon of light to save her, to hush her of her misery, to guide her to the living. Had she fallen so pathetic she needed a beast’s help? _ Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. _Yet, he stayed with all of his being. Whispered her sweet nothings, hoping his beloved professor would once again smile. 

And when she finally calmed, she realized his presence that grounded her. Begged him not to go. Begged him to take her wherever he goes. Begged him to never ever leave her. 

“You weren’t here,” she sobbed, his robe tightly clenched in her hold. “You weren’t here when I woke up. How can I know this is real without you here? How can I?” she continued to sob, that frail body of her quivering. “Please, don’t leave me. I beg of you. I was so scared, Dimitri.”

“Do you need me, Byleth?” Dimitri tested. It was the first time he had called him by her name. 

“I do. So much. Please, stay.” he could hear the desperation from her voice. Her words were no exaggeration, it was as if she would rather die than have him leave. He ignored the coiling heat in his stomach. 

“I will. I am.” he said. Then, he took her face in his hands, made her eyes look into his own. “I will be the last thing you see before you sleep, and the first thing you see when you wake up. I promise you, this is real. For as long as you see me, believe that this is real.”

And she believed him. For all her might, she latched onto his every word. 

(Perhaps, in the pit of his deepest darkest desire, he would love his professor to stay as is. _ Pathetic. Helpless. Holding onto him like a lifeline._)

\--

Neither of them noticed the presence behind the door. They, on the other hand, could only hope their prince, their classmate, was enough to quell the darkness within their professor. And hope was the only thing they could do.

\--

From then on, Dimitri never left her side. 

\--

_ My light. My saviour. _

\--

Being with Dimitri meant she had to also attend war councils. It was a surprise to everyone when she came after her insistent refusal. They did not question this change of mind, only happy their professor decided to join them. Though, most importantly, they were relieved there was finally a voice of reason in the room to challenge the stubborn prince. 

Everyone in the room would agree Dimitri had been making less than intelligent decisions. Marching straight to Enbarr may be the fastest way to end the war, if only they had the resources to do so. But he heard no reasons. Felix was the only one impudent enough to express his apparent dissent, though it served to only anger the prince. And they would argue. Dimitri would leave. And they would once again come to a stalemate. There was no progress to these meetings. 

Seteth especially greeted her with much joy. He had assent his fealty to her as the one chosen by Rhea, along with the Knights of Seiros. “From now on, I shall comply with your wishes.” he said, fully expecting her to take up the position in Rhea’s absence. 

But Byleth, without the same spark of joy Seteth had greeted her with, shook her head. “Please, I’m not currently capable to do such thing. If you wish to follow me still, then I entrust all my decisions in Dimitri’s hand.”

Shocked by her words, Catherine immediately rose to argue. “Professor, the Church does not follow the Kingdom’s orders.”

“Yes. We will gladly cooperate with the Kingdom, but we follow no other than you.” Seteth continued. 

“Then, assist Dimitri in any way you can. That is my wish.”

“But Professor—”

“Let’s not waste any more time and focus on the discussion at hand, shall we?” Byleth said, halting further protests Seteth held in his tongue. 

The atmosphere in the room got immensely tenser after the exchange. No one expected their professor to hold such blind trust on the prince. Their hope that she could somehow tame the beast was immediately crushed. 

Dimitri, on the other hand, showed no obvious reaction as the centre of the professor’s support. Though, Felix swore, he could almost smell the smugness radiating off the boar. _ He’s only going to get worse. _He thought his scowl could not have deepened any further. 

In spite of that, the meeting ran smoother than anyone expected. Perhaps receiving Byleth’s unyielding support had calmed him a bit, cause Dimitri did not bless them with as many angry strifes as he usually did. The professor, on the other hand, stood quietly beside the prince. She only offer words when asked, but otherwise remained silent and impassive. When the meeting concluded, they both left the room immediately. 

\--

_ After all, he saved me. _

\--

“Professor.” Felix called. He had caught her alone feeding the cats in the courtyard of the academy area. 

Not many came to visit the place, it had been empty most of the time. Despite their initial eagerness to relive their life as ordinary students, memories of those peaceful days were much too painful to reminisce. It followed the collapse of their precious Garreg Mach, the death of their friends, their life as soldiers. Perhaps, most of all, it reminded them of Dedue. Even Dimitri refused to accompany her there and the greenhouse, both places holding too much traces of his former retainer. Byleth understood. Though, somehow, she found herself frequenting the place anyway. 

“Oh, Felix.” she lifted her head in acknowledgement. She was crouched under a tree surrounded by a number of cats. “What brings you here?”

“Was just passing by. I see however that you’re quite occupied.”

She gestured to the cats surrounding her and gave him a small smile.

Felix walked closer to where she was crouched. Both of them silently watched the cats eagerly eating the scraps Byleth brought them. The cats paid him no mind. 

“Actually, I lied.” Felix said. Byleth only offered him a glance. “I came here for you. There’s something I want to talk about.”

“What is it?” Byleth asked, her attention still focused on the small animals. 

“It’s about the boar.”

This piqued her interest. Though, to those unfamiliar with the subtle change of her expressions, her face remained impassive. Felix noticed.

“Of course, even _ you _ have to see how much he’s changed.” she thought there’s an underlying insult to his words. “And for the worse, at that. I thought that’d be impossible, but here we are.” 

He noticed the change in the air. His professor did not take well to his words. “I just—. Look, let’s be honest here. Don’t you see the madness in his eyes? That boar is insane. We’re jumping to our death by following him. He’s not fit to lead.”

“Neither do I.” she chided.

“Well, you’re not leading anyone, are you?” he grunted in reply. Felix mussed his hair, frustration bubbling in his belly. “Just talk to him, will you? About this. I know if there’s anyone, he’ll listen to you.” 

“I can’t.”

Felix sighed. “Why not? You’re the only one he willingly talk to.”

Byleth took a second to reply, head hanged low. “I just can’t.”

“Why the hell can’t you?” it was the first time Felix ever raised his voice to her. “That _ thing _ is no longer a person, he’s just a beast in human skin and you know it. Maybe you see him differently, but I too saw a different side of him. Where he murdered, slaughtered, and he _ loved _it. I cursed that my brother had to die for the likes of him, that disgusting, detestable—”

“Silence.” she had stood, a dagger threatening her student’s neck. There was an evident shock on his face. “Never talk to me about this again, understood?” 

Felix did not answer, still too shocked to respond. Though, she received his silence as compliance. She withdrew her dagger from his neck. “If you understand, then I ask you to leave.”

He stared at her. He genuinely did not believe his professor, the one that never got angry at any of her students, just raised a dagger with the intent to hurt him. If he wasn’t one of her students, he felt she might just have killed him right there. The thought unsettled him deeply. 

Perhaps, there was more than one beast in the monastery. 

\-- 

_ He saved me. _

_ He saved me. _

_ He saved me. _

\--

As expected, the emperor caught wind of their activities. Army of the empire was sighted marching to Garreg Mach. They have anticipated this and made preparations to defend their ground, fortifying the monastery with what little resources they had. In spite of that, the tension was still palpable. It would be their first encounter with the empire after securing Garreg Mach. 

When Gilbert informed them of the enemies’ arrival, she saw the shift in Dimitri’s eyes. She was singing him a hymn for a god unknown that she had once heard back when she was visiting outside of Fodlan. She thought Dimitri looked fond (perhaps at the idea there was a place where its god did not abandon its believers). Though upon hearing the news, it was quickly replaced by insatiable thirst that consumed his whole being. His body trembled with so much fury. Once again, Byleth held his hand. She followed him without words. 

Throughout the battle, she stayed by his side. She saw him impale his enemies’ heads, pierce their chests open, slice their necks wide, watch their blood flow with glee. There was urgency in his every move, that if he did not drain enough blood, he would crumble to pieces. That if he did not draw the bloodiest scream, then what was the point? 

The Dimitri she saw was starved. _ Like a beast _, Felix’s words rang. Like a ravenous beast playing with its prey. 

And when the battle ended, the commander captured, that bloodlust did not leave his eyes. It had stayed. She watched him torture the empire commander. Break his bones. Slice his skin. Called him a monster as he was. Byleth stood and watched. 

To his utter dismay, the commander died before he could fully satiate him. He wiped his lance clean with the dead commander’s clothes. He did not bother with the blood on his face. 

When he saw her, he approached her like nothing happened. The commander’s cold body lay in a pool of blood behind him. 

This time, she did not hold his hand. 

\--

_ Remember why you lived _.

\-- 

One night, Byleth did not sleep right away. 

Upon arriving in her room, she would methodically rid off her cape and the rest of her metal armour along with her boots. Initially, he had been surprised—even flustered—when the rest of her attire followed. After folding away her clothes, she would climb onto the bed and look at Dimitri expectantly to follow suit. As if she was not lying half-naked with another man in the room.

One time, she had asked if her state of undress made him uncomfortable. She had asked with genuine confusion in her eyes, like he was the bizarre one. Though, on another night, when she started to ramble of her memories before she succumbed to sleep, she had told him of her time before Garreg Mach. Her time together with her father’s band of mercenaries. They had practically raised her, perhaps more than Jeralt ever did. They treated her with kindness, gave her a taste of a big happy family. She talked of them fondly. 

“This is how I usually sleep. I didn’t think it would be considered inappropriate amongst nobles.”

“That’s not why,” he sighed. “You would only undress within the confine of your own room, wouldn’t you?”

“We are in my room, though.”

“Yes, but you are not alone.” he clarified. 

“I don’t often sleep alone back then. We were always on the move, so I had to share a tent with several other people. It saved space and resources.” she explained as a matter-of-fact. 

“And they were male?” he asked. 

“They often were. There wasn’t a lot of females in the group.”

Dimitri sighed again. The concept of sharing sleeping space with member of the opposite sex was already bewildring to him. Much less naked. “And you do not mind? Not even your father?”

“As long as I trust them, I will not be needing my full armour to sleep,” Byleth paused. She seemed hesitant, before she continued. “And I trust you, Dimitri.”

That was the end of that. He was then used to feeling the warmth of her bare skin. 

Every night, they would go with the same routine. After he joined her on the bed, she would talk to him of her past, her memories. He would listen until she finally fell asleep. Dimitri thought it was her way to keep those memories safe, that she thought he’d somehow protect it. And he would.

That night however, she did not say anything. Hours passed, and he could feel her stare burning through his back. 

“Do you have something to say?” he asked without turning to face her. 

He felt her hesitated, which in itself was unusual. “Nothing.”

This time, Dimitri turned around to face her. The bed creaked loudly in the silence. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

Hearing this, her face softened, but otherwise remained impassive. He had noticed the small furrows on her face before. 

“I know.” she replied shortly, still sounding rather unsure despite her words. 

“Then tell me.” it sounded almost like a command.

She was contemplating her answer, mustering up words to convey her thoughts. Dimitri waited for her patiently. He only ever waited for her. Only her.

After a moment, she finally spoke. Her voice was small. “Don’t you think it’s too risky rushing to Enbarr now?”

It was the first time Byleth had questioned his decision. She had supported him in spite of the oppositions, silenced those who disagreed. Now, there was doubt. The words did not please him. 

“What do you mean?” he asked. This time, his patience thinned. “This is the fastest way to kill that woman and end this war for good. There is no better path.”

In return, she spoke with more confidence. “I know. But as we are, who’s to say we will not get slaughtered before we even reach the capital? It will be a wasted effort.”

“Wasted effort? You called our efforts are a waste?” he scoffed. He raised from where he laid. “This is war and I’m prepared to die. As all should. As should _ you _.”

Byleth raised and followed him to sit. She felt her throat clog up. “That is not what I mean! You know it’s not.”

“No, in fact, I don’t. Tell me _ Professor _ , what _ do _ you mean?” he asked her tauntingly. All softness he had reserved for her gone.

She ignored the bite in his tone. “You can wait reinforcement from the other lords, or ask for support from the Alliance. Anything to better our chances.”

“It will take too long. That woman needs to die now or more people will suffer by the second. Is that what you want?”

“Of course not!” she almost shouted. “People will suffer either way. Her death won’t end everything immediately.”

He scoffed again. Her words began to sound more and more sickening. “Easy for you to say, huh? You weren’t there in those five years. I lost everything because of her. People died under her sham of a liberation. But you weren’t there, were you, Professor?”

“And you’re going to do the same as Edelgard by leading these people to die?” she shouted, all reservation lost. 

“Do _ not _ compare me to that wretched woman,” he shouted back, patience gone and fury began to consume him. “How dare you say her name in my presence.”

After a moment of tense silence, he spoke again. “I see now you’re no different from those ignorant fools. It seems I have misjudged you.” he said impassively, caging the fury he previously held. He stood up from where he was seated and began to put on the leather gloves he had taken off before.

Panic rose to Byleth’s face. He did not spare her a glance.

“Where are you going?”

“I will head to my own chamber.” he answered dismissively. Like he did not know Byleth could not sleep without him. Like he did not know nightmares would come to haunt her without him there. 

“W-why?” she stuttered. She never stuttered. 

“It will be best for both of us to put some distance for the time being,” he explained. He gathered his lance leaning beside the bed. There weren't much stuff he owned in the first place. “Now, if you’ll excuse me.”

He did not see how her face turned several shades paler. Alarm, panic, regret, and most importantly, fear. There was fear he might never come back. Without him, all meaning would have been lost. She couldn’t lose him. 

Quickly, she yanked his robe back.

“What are you—”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she chanted desperately. He could see her body trembling. “You’re right. I’m sorry. You’re absolutely right and I was wrong. Don’t leave, please. I’m begging you. I’m so sorry. Please stay. Please.”

“Byleth, I—”

“No, you’re right,” she cut him off. “I was wrong. It doesn’t matter. Just stay, please.” 

He was shocked by her reaction, the deep terror in her voice. It was the same as when he heard her mumble in her sleep, chased by the nightmares that never left her. And when she woke, she’d cling to him the same way. This time she did so, apologizing and begging, all because of him?

Then, Dimtiri looked at her. Really, _ really _ looked at her. He never noticed how small she was. How fragile, how _ pathetic _ she looked under him like this. He could snap her neck and she wouldn’t resist. _ She wouldn’t mind _. The thought sent a jolt to his entire body. There was that feeling again bubbling in his stomach. He could taste it in his tongue. 

He crouched down to her eye level, knees on the hard stone. There were unshed tears threatening to spill off her eyes. Even in this close distance, she looked vulnerable. She would take _ anything _ from him as long as she received. And she craved for it, _ begged _ for it. 

Oh. _ Oh _. He realized how much he had over her. 

Dimitri licked his lips. 

He reached a hand to cradle her face. There was no more hesitation in his move. 

He wiped away the one tear that spilled.

\--

_ You’re nothing without him. _

_ (and that’s fine.) _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .....And that's what you call gaslighting! Please run away as far as you can if your partner exhibit similar behaviour. **Not** healthy and definitely **not** normal. I would like to once again highlight that Dimitri's behaviour is **not** romantic, will **never** be romantic, or will I ever intend to romanticise it!!!!!!
> 
> Fyi, I deleted the fluff tag lol. We on this angst ride baby!!!!
> 
> AND OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR OVERWHELMING HITS AND KUDOS????? I honestly did not think it'd do so well wtf. This is basically me projecting onto a fic, so I appreciate that it's been received sooo well. I don't know if this dark turn in dimitri's character will be welcomed by everyone, but this is part of the journey. I don't intend to make him an asshole till the very end, so please be patient!! Thank you again. Really, words cannot describe how happy and appreciative I am. Thanks!!!!!!
> 
> Anyway, here are the two dimileth fics that inspired my own. I've also edited this in my chapter 1 end note. Shoutout to these wonderful writers. I absolutely love their works!!!!! Leave them lots of love!!  
[Prince in Beast's Clothing by Kukuriko](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20716832/chapters/49214930)  
[Invisible Bars by Kereea](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20655224/chapters/49051031)


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